Was it Worth it? Does it Matter?

Today is a day that has been haunting me for 4 years.  It was however inevitable.  It’s here. The equivocation of the day no more. 

I have been struggling lately with a question. Was this all worth it?  Was my pain and years of living in silent fear worth it?  Can I just tell you with a swelling heart…NO!  IT WAS NOT!  I do not ever want to go through that again nor do I want my family to go through it again.  So no I cannot sit here with a straight face and tell you your pain was worth it. That would be cruel and I don’t think it was. But… Does it Matter?  YES!  It matters! There is purpose in pain and the fruit that comes from your circumstance  makes it matter.  

I don’t want to compare my struggles to the 400 hundred years of slavery the Israelites endured but the symbolism and uprooting have pierced my soul this morning thanks to Beth Moore and her prophetic words in her book Chasing Vines.

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“The People of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help.  Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God.  And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—AND GOD KNEW.” Exodus 2:23-25

God knew the hurt and the struggle and God knew that he would deliver them.  

I wanted to leave.  I still, in my heart, struggle with wanting to leave New Braunfels.  The town I basically grew up in, got married in, bore my children in, got divorced in, got married again in and now today, feel like I’m going through yet another chapter in.

God uprooted Israel so many times in the Bible and replanted them somewhere else and yet a remnant of the vine was still fruitful.   I want to be uprooted!

And then there is Joseph who, God proclaims in Genesis, is a fruitful vine whose branches climb over a wall.  Joseph endured hardships, slavery, a past soiled with deception, family betrayal, and injustice, yet his fruitfulness grew right in the heart of the place where he endured such hardship.  He lived out the rest of his life in the fertile Nile land where he was both slave and fruit bearer.

—AND GOD KNEW.

Dear heavenly father,

 I pour out my heart to you to make fruitful what has been uprooted.  I am afraid and nervous and my anxiety is overwhelming me this morning. You know and you knew.  I endured just as you promised.   Make me fruitful Lord.  Though the Nile proved fertile I want to be in Jordan, the land of promise.  At the Nile, I stay as long as you make it fruitful to Jordan I will go when you lead me home. 

PS… To all of the victims of sexual or domestic violence or abuse…No, it’s not worth it.  I’m so sorry that this has happened to you.  Yes, It matters!  It will matter! God loves you and I promise if you don’t see it now,  you will one day see the purpose of your pain.  It matters.

This is A Broken Hallelujah

 #Imwithyou  #youarenotalone

I am taking all the love and prayers I can get today.