Talking boundaries and discovering that you can't change people.

Do you ever wish you could change people? That if this certain person would just not be so needy, or mean, or addicted your life would be so much easier? Do you wish you could set boundaries for your own destructive behaviors?

Can I tell you a hard truth? You can't change people. The silver lining? You can change YOU.

Are you continually saving people? This is often referred to as a codependent. If this resonates with you then listen up. If your child, parent, or spouse can depend on you every time they overspend then they will never learn the lesson of overspending. Instead they will learn I overspent therefore my mom or ______ will just put more money in my account. The only way they will learn is through reaping what they sow. Dr. Henry Cloud calls this the law of sowing and reaping. They will have to experience consequences before they change their behavior.

What you can change? You can stop interrupting the natural consequences. Yes, its going to hurt your heart but in the long run not only did you change yourself but you also forced a change in the person you love which was the original goal in the first place.

Is the person that needs a boundary set you? Do you have issues with drinking to numb, over spending, over indulging, over eating, under eating, ect? You at least have power to own that about you. You may be powerless right now to do something about it but you do have the power to say, "I have a problem" and you do have power to call someone or join a support group. You have to power to seek God and ask for his help. You have the power to ask for forgiveness from those you have hurt because of this behavior. Step one is always the hardest. Each step gets a little easier.

Are you a martyr? Do you give and give and give until you're exhausted? Does this make you feel resentful? As a performer I often give in order to receive love. When this is not fulfilled I tend to become resentful. Some people give to earn a sense of approval. Shoot, that's me too.

Shouldn't I be a cheerful giver? Yes, you should, so exam your motivation and try to figure out why you can't say no. Is it for fear of loss of love or approval? If your motivation is pure love and joy and you are ok with receiving nothing in return then you are in a good place to give. Do it!

Evaluate your no. Are you harming that person by your no or just hurting feelings. Shouldn't we consider someone's feelings? Absolutely! Consider and then make an informed decision. Example: A work partner is always asking you to pick up his or her slack. Yes you might hurt their feelings but by you always saying yes, it interrupts your family time and personal time after work and as a byproduct your coworker is not learning the time management skills he needs to finish his part of the job. It's ok to say no.

I highly recommend the book "Boundaries" for anyone needing help in this category. It was a game changer for taking ownership of my life.